belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I have just been on bus. Before I went on there I was feeling absolutely fine, then I read a couple of people's places, Lisa's in particular and it brought me down so much. I have got to stop going on bus. I've been going on there though for close on two years and although I'm not on there as much as I used to be then I still automatically log in there when I turn the computer on. Usually only to read places but I still go on. It gets me down though nearly every time I go on there but its not so much in a triggering way but I just end up feeling like shit.

The other day I decided that I was going to lose weight. The thing is though, my normal eating isn't a lot and so to lose weight I literally have to eat nothing. Well I decided that it wasn't too good an idea and so I was going to eat at least sort of properly and at least eat healthily even if not much. Then today I go and forget to bring my dinner card to school, this means that I can'r get myself any lunch and so as a result I have decided not to bother eating. I know that I'm stupid but I desperately want to lose some weight. I feel so so fat. Plus, Ash told me completely honestly that I could lose a bit around my arse, not that he thinks that I should but rather that I could without looking unhealthy. And I feel so so fat, I like the feeling of emptiness.

Ash has been really depressed recently, even to the point that he was considering going to the drs and seeing about getting something to control his moods, he's sugested it before and not done anything about it. If it was to help then, yeah thats cool, but I am generally against meds for depression unless they are completely necessary and I'm not really convinced that for him they are completely necessary. He won't open upto anyone and I feel that if he was to open up to someone he is more likely to feel better. He won't even talk to me about everything, I understand that there are things that he might not want me to know, about his past or whatever but I want to help him and I feel that in order to dot hat I need to know as much as possible. It hurts me so so much to see him hurting. I can see why it is that I can't SI though, he burnt himself couple of weeks ago (purposely but not completely in an SI way-more to it than that)and I hurt so much by it, and he had a reason for it. I can see how it must hurt him so much more when I hurt myself as he can't control what it is that I do and I won't talk to him about SI because I know that it upsets him and if I ever do it I feel that I have let him down.

I love Ash with all my heart and don't want to ever lose him, especially not by either of us being depressed. I need him and I feel that he needs me too. I hope that he wants me to be with him as much as I want to be with him. He is my baby and I love him so much, I couldn't ever love anybody in the same way as I love him. If I can't die with him then I'll die alone.
I wish that I could just get the courage to tell him this stuff, I'm just embarrased though. I'm scared that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about him.

Oh I love him so much, I sound like such a fuckin love sick puppy. Why can't I just leave things as they are and why can't my feelings just be to the extent of a normal persons. Urgh, I disgust myself.
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
So I'm sorted about tonight, we are going out, into town and Ash is coming and so is his sister. That should be cool, like that arrangement is fine with me, I don't mind when there are quite a few of us and Ash's sister is so cool (the coolest 40 yr old in the whole world!!)
Plus I'm feeling better now which is also cool.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
For some unexplainable reason I feel like shit. I want to escape this life. I need my own place. I want to be with Ash. Does he want to be with me tho?? Who knows? I've been at work and had a really shitty shift. I feel so alone, all I wanted was a big long hug from my baby but he's all depressed and his depression doesn't involve hugging people. I want to sleep, I want to cry and I want to be held, lying in Ash's bed with him with his arms wrapped around me. Maybe I'll feel good then.

I'm in such a mess with my friends, if I spend time with Lisa and Leena then I come away feeling depressed. If I don't spend time with them they say that I'm pushing them away and they feel bad that I'm doing that. Tomorrow night I've arranged to go out with Lisa and someone else. Ash reckons he doesn't want to come (but he will do anyway, I hope) and I really don't want to go, I just don't feel up to being socialable, I have been thinking this all week but I've already said to Lisa I'll go. If I don't go then I know that Lisa won't be able to go out as it'll end up with no one going but if I do go then I dunno really but I can't see myself enjoying it. I'll prob just go and get well pissed, or thats the idea.

I feel so so shit and so full of shit too, food is not my friend at the moment, I hate it but I can't keep away from it. Its like some kind of stalker. ewwwww. I want to be sik but I just can't do it. I also want lots of alcohol but we don't have any. Why does nothing happen in the way that it should do.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
If any of my friends irl find this thing then please please don't read it. I'm trusting you to, I just need somewhere for myself, somewhere private.

Right then, my first *proper* entry in this thing. I'm at school in a computer room and eating cake and I've managed to get crumbs on the keyboard, oh well, I know why they say no food in these rooms now though!!

Ok so a bit of background about me,
My name is Lucy, I'm 17 years old (18 in may) and I'm a student at a sixth form in my old school doing A levels in Biology, Chemistry and Maths. I used to Self Harm and I occasionally have thoughts related to eating disorders as I'm a fat thing. However, thats enough as I'm keeping this journal for myself more than anything.

Today, when I got up I had decided that I wasn't going to eat, I was going to just start fasting and lose some weight in that way. However, by 11 o clock I had decided that I was hungry and went and brought food from the canteen, I bought loads of the stuff too so now I'm even fatter than I was this morning. I'm not exactly feeling too great today, partly mentally and partly physically, prob something to do with the way that my period just started (not pregnant for another month, the joys of the pill!) I feel so so fat, ewwwwwwwwww. I'm disgusted at myself.

However its now over 11 weeks since I last SI'ed which is cool, its not exactly a problem for me any more, still have scars though :-s.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I actually set up this account a while ago and never got around to starting an actual journal in it. So now I am doing. The thing is though, if I start writing regularly in here then I'm likely to stop writing so much in place on bus but I don't mind that, this is more private I think, but I am going to tell a few people the address. It just means that in here I can write things without being quite so sensored about what I write due to people reading. I can write about every time I am pissed off at someone and not be too bothered about them finding out!! I need that at the moment as most people irl are pissing me off. Also I keep sensoring what I am writing in my place because I know that people who are likely to read are not in too much of a great place right now and I don't want to upset them. I need somewhere to vent all of my feelings and here it is.

I'll write more later on, a bit more of a proper first entry.



belle_lu_1986: (Default)

June 2013

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