belle_lu_1986: (Default)
[personal profile] belle_lu_1986
I have just been on bus. Before I went on there I was feeling absolutely fine, then I read a couple of people's places, Lisa's in particular and it brought me down so much. I have got to stop going on bus. I've been going on there though for close on two years and although I'm not on there as much as I used to be then I still automatically log in there when I turn the computer on. Usually only to read places but I still go on. It gets me down though nearly every time I go on there but its not so much in a triggering way but I just end up feeling like shit.

The other day I decided that I was going to lose weight. The thing is though, my normal eating isn't a lot and so to lose weight I literally have to eat nothing. Well I decided that it wasn't too good an idea and so I was going to eat at least sort of properly and at least eat healthily even if not much. Then today I go and forget to bring my dinner card to school, this means that I can'r get myself any lunch and so as a result I have decided not to bother eating. I know that I'm stupid but I desperately want to lose some weight. I feel so so fat. Plus, Ash told me completely honestly that I could lose a bit around my arse, not that he thinks that I should but rather that I could without looking unhealthy. And I feel so so fat, I like the feeling of emptiness.

Ash has been really depressed recently, even to the point that he was considering going to the drs and seeing about getting something to control his moods, he's sugested it before and not done anything about it. If it was to help then, yeah thats cool, but I am generally against meds for depression unless they are completely necessary and I'm not really convinced that for him they are completely necessary. He won't open upto anyone and I feel that if he was to open up to someone he is more likely to feel better. He won't even talk to me about everything, I understand that there are things that he might not want me to know, about his past or whatever but I want to help him and I feel that in order to dot hat I need to know as much as possible. It hurts me so so much to see him hurting. I can see why it is that I can't SI though, he burnt himself couple of weeks ago (purposely but not completely in an SI way-more to it than that)and I hurt so much by it, and he had a reason for it. I can see how it must hurt him so much more when I hurt myself as he can't control what it is that I do and I won't talk to him about SI because I know that it upsets him and if I ever do it I feel that I have let him down.

I love Ash with all my heart and don't want to ever lose him, especially not by either of us being depressed. I need him and I feel that he needs me too. I hope that he wants me to be with him as much as I want to be with him. He is my baby and I love him so much, I couldn't ever love anybody in the same way as I love him. If I can't die with him then I'll die alone.
I wish that I could just get the courage to tell him this stuff, I'm just embarrased though. I'm scared that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about him.

Oh I love him so much, I sound like such a fuckin love sick puppy. Why can't I just leave things as they are and why can't my feelings just be to the extent of a normal persons. Urgh, I disgust myself.


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June 2013

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