belle_lu_1986: (Wee mee)

My daughter Eliza made an appearance in the early hours of Tuesday 4th June 2013.
Here's what happened...

By Sunday June 2nd I'd been off work for three weeks and was 39 weeks pregnant. I was starting to feel ready for the baby to arrive, both practically and emotionally. However, there had been no signs that she may be arriving soon. So we decided to head to Mansfield (about 15 miles from home) to go to the local designer outlet place to see if we could get Joseph any sandals. As is often the case, Joseph insisted that Ash sat in the back with him and I drove. Fine.
As we were driving on a country road between Nottingham and Mansfield I felt two separate cramps. They felt like period pains, they were manageable and I continued to drive but they were noticeable. These continued as the day went on but they weren't happening regularly, and I was able to get on with my day of chasing Joseph around. I wondered if it was the first signs of my body getting ready for birth; maybe my cervix softening, but I didn't think I was anywhere near to giving birth or even labour.
That night I didn't get a lot of sleep because Joseph was coughing and on a couple of occasions I felt these same cramps. Still only in the bottom of my bump. Still just a bit like period pains, not contractions.
Monday arrived. Ash went to work; I told him I'd let him know if I went in to labour but that I still didn't think that would be happening yet. Joseph was tired I think as he was being quite difficult; messing everything up and refusing to do as he was asked. Having to deal with him meant that my focus certainly wasn't on my body and I hardly noticed any cramps as the day went on. I walked to the local shops with Joseph at one point and got a few items of shopping, but other than that we stayed in for most of the day and watched tv. I felt tired more than anything after a poor nights sleep.
I cooked a pasta bake for tea and felt unable to eat very much of it personally. Whilst at the dinner table, again I noticed a couple of cramps, but again, although they were uncomfortable they weren't painful.
I had arranged for my mum to come over to help me with Joseph on the following day in case I was tired again, and I was pleased to have done that.
We then did our usual evening routine, getting Joseph to bed and it took a bit longer than usual to get him to sleep but he was finally asleep at about 9pm. I lay with him in bed whilst he was going to sleep and the cramps, again were there but nothing more than uncomfortable. I found as I was lying in the dark I could deal with them fine, I was visualising any more uncomfortable ones as waves.
I was getting a bit fed up by this point as I thought I was likely to be getting these cramps for days before then starting the difficult bit of labour. Little did I know.....!!
I went downstairs with Ash at 9ish and watched tv for a bit, checking on Joseph at about 10pm and moving him from our bed to his and changing his nappy as he'd refused to have it done before going to sleep.
I then decided at 10.30 that I might as well go to bed and try to get some sleep.
Ash came upstairs at 10.50 and spoke to me and between this point and 11pm I had three stronger pains that were more difficult to deal with. After the third one I felt quite damp and so went to the toilet and I'd passed some mucus plug. It was clear and wet mainly bit I wasn't went enough to say my waters had broken. The pain when the mucus plug went was the most uncomfortable so far although I was able to deal with it again by visualising a wave.
At this point I suggested to Ash we should get the things out of the shed for the pool just in case. I felt as though things were getting going a bit but I still thought we were in for the long haul as the pains were still localised to the bottom of my bump and I couldn't see any changes in the shape of it during a pain, as you may expect during a contraction.
I started timing the pains at this point and found they were coming every 3 minutes or so and lasting around a minute. I called my mum as she was our childcare for Joseph but told her that I felt it could still go either way. She decided to head over to save coming in the middle of the night if things picked up then. She said she'd be about an hour.
I went downstairs taking old towels and an old duvet downstairs and sat on the sofa helping Ash to pump up an aired for my mum. I was frequently needing the toilet to open my bowels and after a few more "contractions" Ash suggested I called the midwife. I called them at 11.40 and I'd been getting the contractions regularly for a little over half an hour. I was able to breathe through them but the person who took my call said she could tell at this point that I was in labour. The midwife called me back five minutes later, at which point I had a contraction that was more difficult to deal with. I was lying on the sofa trying to speak to the midwife on the phone and they said they were on their way. When I got off the phone I threw the duvet on to the floor and leant over the sofa. Ash had inflated the pool by now and was trying to fill it with the hose as quickly as possible. The contraction were coming thick and fast now and Ash suggested I took my pants off! He helped me to do this although I found it difficult and he continued to be in and out of the kitchen trying to fill the pool as quickly as possible.
I could feel pressure in my bum for a little while on each contraction at this point and I honestly thought I was doing a poo. I told Ash this and he came and had a look and said he couldn't see anything. I believe it was around now he gave up on the pool as it was clear it wasn't going to be ready in time. He continued to be in and out of the kitchen but this time he was on the look out for midwives arriving. He came back to check on me at one point to see that her head was on it's way out. I sat a bit more upright when I knew the head was out and put my hand on it. I then quickly gave birth to the body. I didn't feel at any point as though I was consciously pushing, my body just did it. She cried thankfully straight after being born although she seemed quite mucusy, so i tried to sit her forwards to clear some mucus. I was sat on the floor at this point and checked her gender. I told Ash who wanted to know what we needed to do!! I told him to get a towel and wrapped her up. I realised the cord was a bit short and saw it was wrapped around the back of her neck so sorted that out and just held her! My mum arrived around this point and was rather shocked to see her grand daughter had arrived! Ash and my mum helped me to turn around so I could sit leaning on the sofa rather than in the middle of the room and I got her latched on and feeding quickly. I had always planned to leave the cord intact for as long as possible so it never crossed our mind to cut it.
The midwives arrived fifteen minutes after she was born and so my notes quite amusingly say "on arrival, baby feeding" :-)
The placenta then didn't want to come out even with me squatting and bouncing so Ash cut the cord after about 45 minutes and I had the injection after about an hour. Placenta was fine and is now in our freezer, I'm not totally sure what to do with it but if I get any signs of pnd then it's going to be encapsulated. Otherwise I guess we'll bury it sometime.
I then tied a silk cord tie around eliza's cord and cut the plastic clip off, much neater and nicer! We had cleared up and were in bed by about 3am. A much nicer experience than in hospital!
Eliza weighed 7lb 3oz and hasn't lost any of her birth weight; weighing 7lb 7oz on day 6.

belle_lu_1986: (i hate you)
I had the worse bus journey this morning. I left the house at 5.30am and arrived at work at 8am. Only about 45minutes of that was actual travelling time, the rest was waiting for the bus time. I've really gotta tell uni about this, its stupid, I'm not getting anything out of this placement even. I just have to sit for 7.5 hours (or 14hrs if I'm lucky) and listen to nurses moaning about how crap mental health nursing is....and they think that'll make me want to do the job more. They must be joking. Why did I even bother with this shitty course??!
Anyway, I need some sleep.
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
<td align="center" Sorry about the amount of surveys but I'm bored!!
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Who Should You Vote For?

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

Labour 3
Conservative -40
Liberal Democrat 56
UK Independence Party -3
Green 32

You should vote: Liberal Democrat

The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Merry christmas everyone.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I let Ash read this the other day, well I say let, he was never not allowed to he just chose not to. He read it anyway, and I'm glad that he did. He now knows more about me I guess. I want him to know everything about me, or as much as I am able to tell him. I love him so much and he needs to know things, I can't keep things from him if we're going to be together for a while.

I've just been on bus, and for the first time in a while its sort of triggered me, just with reading about SI and stuff, got me thinking about it again. I don't feel down though at all its just something about the actual thinking about it. But I'm determined to make it until I go to uni without it, I mean, its been 14 weeks since I last did it and its about 5 more months til uni so not too long. I CAN do it!!!

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say, later maybe.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
My daily rant about this school........
This is supposed to be a fuckin STUDY room, I've got people shouting all around me and people pretty much sitting on top of my computer, I should at least be able to sit at my computer without people sitting squashing me, pretty much sitting on the mouse of the computer (they were sitting on the desk, its one long like workbench thing). You can never get any work done in here, and especially not at break time.

Rant over as they've all gone!!

Last night I went to see Shane Macgowan at Rock City, by the time we were even let in I was prtty much drunk, they kept putting the start time off and so we kept going to the pub. As a result, I'd had about 4 bottles and one shot (I never thought that my gag reflex worked until I drank that shot!) before we had even gone in, then I had one drink when I was in there. We got to the front of the crowd and I was hanging onto the rail. I wouldn't move from the rail as in the past at gigs I've been pretty much crushed. I felt safe there, but Ash kept telling me I was being boring, not moving. he just doesn't understand, he's so much bigger than me and there's not a lot of chance of him getting crushed. I stayed by the rail and Ash was being really arsey, I felt awful, I sort of wanted to move back into the crowd to be with him but I was scared to, I realy didn't want to be crushed between all of these big men, its horrible, I felt safe where I was. But I wanted to be with Ash, I wanted him with me but by that time he wasn't even talking to me except to say fuck off every so often. I felt so bad so I spent half the gig not even listening to the music, just staring at the floor over the rail.

Also before we got to the gig, in one of the pubs we were talking about what we would consider as cheating on each other (we'd had a bit to drink at this point) and basically to cut a long story short he admitted to having kissed two other girls whilst going out with me. I don't know how to feel about either of them, I'm hurt by the fact that he's done it and I'm also shocked but I don't know whether I'm angry about it, infact I'm not angry but, well yeah, I'm hurt. The first one he kissed, he was sober and it was three days after he first asked me out. This hurt because, ok, so he'd just asked me, I'd said yes and then I'd gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks, but still, he'd just asked me out. Surely if he'd been wanting to kiss other girls he shouldn't have asked me out just then. The second one was in about November time (so been going out about 4 monthes) and he was in Brighton for the weekend. he got really drunk and kissed someone. With this one, then ok he was drunk, he *says* it was completely her and it was a goodnight kiss which turned into more but still, why was he giving a girl a goodnight kiss.

I'm just going to be preoccupied about this now, its getting to me. I'm gonna email him in a minute anyway.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Lisa has been writing about feeling lonely, about me not spending time with her. The thing is though, I feel so pushed out of it all that there is noone I can talk to, her included. The only person that I can talk to is ash and I'm so scared of losing him when I go to university. I just hope that he comes with me, I can't see myself surviving without him, I'm no good at making friends any more, I've just got good at losing them. I'm so selfish.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I didn't see Ash yesterday, he was off sick from work and I really miss him. Its weird, I've been texting him and stuff but somehow it doesn't seem real. Its like he's just a thing sending me text messages, could be anything but I miss him so much, I just can't explain. Without him I feel like I'm not a real person, I'm just here but not really inside my body, its like i'm dissociating but without the SI. I guess its cuz theres noone to tell me that I am real. Its not like I have any friends or anyone to act as though they care about me and I'm just sitting in the corner of a computer room at school typing away on this thing. I might not be a real person, who knows, who is ther to say that I didn't die last night and woke up dead, carrying on like normal, but really I'm not here, I'm nothing but a ghost, carrying on liek I'm dead. Isn't that from a film or book or something??!! Maybe I'm dead and I just don't know it!

Maybe write more later on, maybe not, I'm in a weird, not myself mood at the moment.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Hummmm, I'm feeling so so shit. I feel ill and I can't stop crying at the silliest little thing. I had to phone occupational health about sorting out about my job as a care assistant and had to talk about SI and now I've gotta go to work, to morrisons and Ash has phoned in sick so now there's no way that I can do too. My head hurts, I've got a cold, a sore throat and my ears keep bloking up.
Saying I'm in a public library at the moment its bloody noisy, I thought that these places were supposed to be quiet.
I need to get some sleep, I am so exhausted.
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
You smile at your friends and you don't even get a response, they don't even look at you. Can't they even bring themselves to look at me. I wish I knew what was wrong but at the same time I don't know if I really wanna know, they don't want to talk to me so why should I care??????
If they're not going to make an effort then why should I?

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
It doesn't feel right that in order to see how my friends r feeling i have to read about them. This keyboard is crap, i'll write more later on.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Too much has happened. Yesterday at work I got in trouble. As a result I got Ash in trouble. It was his fault but still, I shouldn't have said it was him. At the time though I just didn't know if I was going to have a job at the end of it and I didn't know what to do. As it happened I didn't get in serious trouble but just a bit of trouble and I believe that he will also just get in a bit of trouble (I hope). I managed to burst into tears in front of the manager and then once I had started I just couldn't stop. I was crying upstairs in the training room where they were talking to me, then I had my break and phoned Ash and was crying first in the canteen, then in the toilets. Then at the end of my break I went back to the department and couldn't stop crying. I wasn't even that bothered about the fact I was in trouble, it was more I had been stupid and secondly the thing I was most bothered about was the fact that I had got Ash in trouble.

On top of that I've got a urine infection. They are so so horrible and I believe that it is stress related as I got one during my exams and then it has come back twice since, once whilst doing my bio coursework (but it was only very mild for a day or so) and now whilst the coursework deadline is looming and my Psychology is due in. I'm sitting here in pain, sort of wanting to go to the toilet but I know that if I do go then it'll just burn.

I think I'll have to go to the drs, and get a proper dose of anti-biotics and take them as I'm told to (I sort of didn't do that before).

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I feel like such a failure. I have failed in everything that I have tried at in my life. I got some A2 results today and I did so crap, not happy with them at all.

Everything is happening all at once, I just ended up crying for ages to Ash in the car. I feel so shit but he's the only person that I can talk to, I feel so bad about that, I put too much on him. I've managed to push away all of my friends though. Maybe it'll be good wen I get to uni in that I get the chance to make a few friends who I may be able to talk to.

I needed to cry and so I have, I think I need to more though, I so don't want to go to school tomorrow, it'll all be results, results, results. I'm not looking forward to it.

belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Hummmmmm, I’ve just eaten my school lunch and want so badly to get rid of it. I just want to throw up. I really think that some of my friends are reading this journal and I don’t want them to. At the moment in order to stop people reading what I am writing I am typing this in word in size 6 font!! Therefore if there are a load of mistakes that I make its because I can’t see what I am writing. I am determined to lose weight which is silly thanks to the way that my mind works but I still want to do it, and to be honest I don’t care whether I do it in a healthy or an unhealthy way.

I am so so paranoid at the moment, two of my friends are sitting at the computer next to me and whispering to each other, this makes no change as they always talk to each other quietly and pretty much ignore me but I can’t help thinking that they are talking to me.

I am so alone at the moment, the only person that I feel comfortable talking to is Ash and that can’t be a good thing. What if anything happens between us, I’ll not only lose my boyfriend but also my best friend, my only friend.

I’d better go now, things to do people to see (actually no people to see, who would want to see me?)
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Ok then so I'm gonna eat properly, or at least try to. I still wanna lose weight though.
I have suspicions that people irl have been reading this thing, so please don't. Its hard enough for me to not just shut myself out from everyone as it is.


belle_lu_1986: (Default)
Hummm, So I didn't manage to keep to the not eating thing and managed to wreck it as soon as I got in from school. Therefore today I really am sticking to it and am on the chewing gum and water diet. When I really have to have something then I'll have some salad but nothing more. Everybody around me is eating, usually this would make me want more but today it really isn't, I just keep thinking of the fat. Fat fat fat, I want to be one of the beautiful ones.

Thin is beautiful
belle_lu_1986: (Default)
I was going to go to the shop from school as it is now lunch time but I just can't be bothered, I go to the loo, then out of the school doors and decided that I really couldn't be arsed, its so much warmer in this comfortable(ish) computer room! Plus if I don't go to the shop then I don't eat, all I have eaten today is a snack chocolate bar thing and that is how it is staying until tonight at least. I am determined, I'll drink if I get hungry, I want to see if I am able to do it, see if I can go a whole day eating the minimal amount. There's someone sitting next to me at the moment pigging out on chocolate and it is making me feel sick just seeing her do so, they are all eating and its fatness, urgh, horrible chocolate. All the fat seeping in through blood vessels into the body. Urgh, horrible, I have a fear of fatness. Urgh, I want to see bones.

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